Hunger

So this girl I was sort of seeing over the summer decided she wants to talk last night.

Then just now says that "I was drunk, forget it".

Just then I thought maybe we were making progress, she decides to give me some hope and then instantly take it away from me.

So we have this long history. I had a gf in gr 12, and I had a huge crush on her. She gets mad at me and doesn't talk to me, which is understandable. Then years pass and we start talking again. She visits me in the hospital, we get close. then she decides she wants to be left alone (since I can't - for the life of me - think of a reason why this happened, this is completely unwarranted). What the fuck.

I try my absolute best to make people happy, to cheer them up, to be a good friend, etc. I keep getting shit on time after time after time. No one asks me how I'm doing, asks me to hang out, thinks of me in any other way than "the funny guy". This is why I fucking hate my life. This is why I want to leave this fucking place, because I have no one. I have no one that loves me and wants to be by my side in any way shape or form. I fucking hate this school, I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life, so I decide on an English Major.

Real ambitious. I'm not going anywhere with this. I hate english. Am I going to teach? no. Am I going to be a writer? Doubtful. Journalist? I don't even care about myself, how would I put time and effort into anything else?

I hate this stupid depression, I hate my stupid hair, I hate how I am so aware and have to stop and think about what I'm going to say.

I feel like I'm always a step behind.

In highschool, being a whiny emo pussy was all the rage, for some reason, so I hopped on that bandwagon. Then girls liked the jock/asshole personna, so I tried to do that. Now it's an evolved form of the emo, the hipster, which I absolutely despise. Moreover, I've caught on to this pattern and stopped giving a shit altogether, and look where I am.

I hate people.