McDonalds

I don't care anymore. I don't care how I do in my classes. My parents can get pissed off at me because I'm not as smart as my siblings, and tell me time and time again that I'm wasting their money (even though half of it is mine).

I'm single. I can talk about girls if I want. It doesn't mean I'm sleeping with them. I'm allowed to think a lot of girls are attractive. It's okay that I buy girls drinks.

I don't have to talk to girls, either. I don't have to go out. I don't have to get drunk.

An education doesn't make you any less of a person (okay, I'll draw the line somewhere). I feel like nowadays it's all about street smarts, you know? I feel like I'd survive on street smarts (True? Incredibly ignorant? who cares). I was raised as a gentleman and I always ALWAYS hold the door open, wave if someone lets me pass while driving, smile back if someone smiles at me, say hi &c. Manners is an endangered species in contemporary pop-culture. Nothing pisses me off more (we both know that's a lie) than when holding a door for someone, they don't say thank you. I hope they slip and fall on their ass. Fucks.

Now that I think about it, I want alcohol all the time. This is what I was afraid of.
Myself.
I feel like I'll become a monster when I start drinking, because I don't want to stop once I've started.
When I see my colleagues (look at that!) drinking, absolutely piss-drunk, I usually snicker and stare in disgust.
But the truth is, I'm jealous.
You know what they're thinking?
Nothing
You know how they feel?
Great (so far, anyway)
Do they care if anyone is watching?
I doubt it.
I want to be that. I want to be them.
I want to put up this barrier in my head that will stop my rapid-fire, self-aware, hesitant and second-guessing brain from overheating and just hide in plain site.
I'm afraid because I want to be drunk all the time.
I don't want to deal with stupid relationships anymore.
I don't want to be in school anymore.
I don't want friends or family anymore.
Yes I do.
Fuck.
I need someone to love me.
I'm lost within my own mind.
Canadian weather is Whore-Shit. Fucking Gar-Bitch.